Tuesday 17 April 2012

Eurovision 2012 review #1

My friends have all done this so I thought I'd give it a go. Here is my personal review of all 42 of this year's songs in the Eurovision Song Contest which, as you know, is being held in Baku due to Azerbaijan winning it last year. All opinions are my own so please respect that.

PS: Contains traces of naff Irish twins. Approach with caution.

ALBANIA: QUICK! Someone take that drowning cat out of the well! Oh no, wait, it's just Rona Nishliu screeching and wailing away! Sorry Albania but it's not for me.
AUSTRIA: Do the Austrians not want to win Eurovision any time soon? They've sent this tuneless shout-a-thon which, like Georgia and Moldova last year, will probably still qualify. PS: Well done for getting Trackshittaz past the Eurovision censors. And, no, I WON'T shake my booty!
AZERBAIJAN: As much as I congratulate the Azeris for building their new sports/concert arena in the space of just a few months, they won't be using it again for Eurovision next year. It's going somewhere else. Sorry.
BELARUS: Did someone lose the bit of paper saying that Lithuania tried to send a song featuring the words 'we are the winners' in the title a few years ago but flopped in the final? Still, at least the lead singer's good looking...
BELGIUM: Sorry, Belgium, but your song is a bit bland and boring. Good effort though.
BOSNIA-HERZEGOVINA: Nice to hear Bosnian for a change. Will be interesting to see if it makes the final or not.
BULGARIA: Crap techno? I think not. See you in the semis.
CROATIA: Can someone wake me up when this song's finished? Thanks.
CYPRUS: La-la-la-la LOVE THIS!
DENMARK: Congratulations, Denmark, you've sent your very own Anna Bergendahl. This song's better though so, unlike Miss Bergendahl, I hope it qualifies.
ESTONIA: This one's a bit dull and boring to be honest and, much like their ill-fated ferry, this one will probably sink like a stone. Sorry Estonia!
FINLAND: Well done for using a foreign language that isn't English (or even Finnish) in your song. Commiserations on everything else. See you in the semis.
FRANCE: Another decent song from the not-so-decent Frenchies. Can't see Eurovision being held in Paris next year, though. By the way, can I have the fit Calvin Klein-wearing men in the video please? OOF!
FYR MACEDONIA: NEXT!
GERMANY: Awesome song though I can't see Germany hosting Eurovision again any time soon.
GEORGIA: Thanks for creeping the hell out of me, Georgia. See you in the semis.
GREECE: I know the Greeks are getting their money from Germany but it seems they've bought this song from Lidl on a very low budget. I'll still put money on it qualifying though...
HOLLAND/THE NETHERLANDS: Did someone in Amsterdam/Rotterdam or wherever break a mirror seven years ago?! If there's any justice, my wonderful little Holland WILL reach the final this year! I'll forgive you for sending the shit (I'm looking at YOU Austria, Georgia, Ireland, Montenegro and San Marino) if you send Joan into the final! The Dutchies have had their seven years of bad luck, now it's time for their comeback!
HUNGARY: Their name may sound like a very small dancefloor but I still love the song. Not a winner though.
ICELAND: If this doesn't come anywhere near the final/top five, I will be greatly disappointed. I love this song, though I did prefer the Icelandic version before they decided to change it to English.
IRELAND: AAAAAAARRRRRGGGHHH! Never mind the waterline, I am close to SUICIDE listening to this! It was bad enough you sending them LAST year, Ireland! Do you not want to win again any time soon?! I had to put up with this pair of talentless twats in Düsseldorf and now you're sending them AGAIN?! Thank God I'm watching it at home this year - at least I can MUTE them! PS: One Direction called - they want their song back!
ISRAEL: Was Dana International not available again this year? Shame - she'd have probably been better than this lot!

Part two coming up...

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