Worst Eurovision song ever?

Close your eyes and picture Portugal. Picture everything you know about Portugal. Now picture all those crap X Factor auditionees (the ones that were tone deaf and couldn't sing for shit) singing for them and you get this:

Sorry Portugal but, not only is your song full of pointless political crapness, your video's a bit shit as well! NIL POINTS!

Oh Malta!

I'm still not entirely sure about this video. As much as I like the song, I have no idea what the video's all about but it's certainly about as camp as it comes. The singer's not Chiara or Fabrizio, however, I'm not expecting to see him in the final.

Sorry Malta. See you in the semis.

Welcome back Blue!

After last year's 'can't sing live for shit' fest that was Josh Dubovie singing a song written by Pete Waterman (which, of course, came rock bottom after the British public sent him to Oslo), the UK decided to go for an internal selection and chose Blue with a catchy tune that they've written themselves in the hope that we don't end up finishing stone-dead last like we've done over recent years - and they haven't let me down! It's a brilliant song and I can't WAIT to hear it being sung live in Düsseldorf on 14th May!

Cardiff/Manchester/Birmingham (it won't be London) 2012?! That sounds good to me!

EURO REVIEW: PART 2.

Here's my review of the Eurovision songs from Israel to the UK. Hope you like it.

Israel (Dana International - Ding Dong): If Israel thought sending Dana International back was a good idea, they were wrong. Clearly. She won't win with that song.

Italy (Raphael Gualazzi - Madness Of Love): Italy's comeback won't start with a win either. I sense a huge disappointment with this song. Boring! They should have sent Nathalie.

Latvia (Musiqq - Angel In Disguise): I'm still not sure about this one but it's still better than the shit they served up last year.

Lithuania (Evelina Sašenko - C'est Ma Vie): I like this one but I'm not sure how it'll sound live. If she pulls it off, she might qualify, but we'll see.

Malta (Glen Vella - One Life): I like the Maltese entry too but, like with many entries from Malta before it, I don't think it'll qualify. It's not Fabrizio Faniello or Chiara.

Moldova (Zdob şi Zdub - So Lucky): This is the Eurovision comedy song of this year. I can't see it qualifying though. Bring back the sax!

Norway (Stella Mwangi - Haba Haba): Another one of my favourites and part of my top ten. It'll probably qualify.

Poland (Magdalena Tul - One Way Ticket To Heaven): I'm sorry, but I don't like the English version. I liked the Polish version and she should have left it as it was. It's dropped a few places on my list now. It was one of my favourites from the start (as Jestem) but it'll still probably qualify.

Portugal (Homens da Luta - A Luta É Alegria): This is a load of shite but it'll probably still qualify anyway (it is Portugal after all and they always do even if the song's a bit CRAP)! That's providing it doesn't get disqualified for being full of pointless political pap of course...

Romania (Hotel FM - Change): It's good but it's not as good as last year's Playing With Fire. I can't see them finishing any higher than tenth.

Russia (Alexey Vorobyov/Alex Sparrow - Get You): I'm still not liking the Russian entry much but at least it's better than last year's funeral dirge so it'll probably qualify.

San Marino (Senit - Stand By): I actually kinda like this one and I hope they qualify so they join their Italian neighbours in the final. That is all.

Serbia (Nina - Čaroban): Weirdly, I like this. Not entirely sure why.

Slovakia (Maja Keuc - Vanilija): I'm not entirely sure this'll qualify to be honest. They weren't even supposed to be at this year's event.

Slovenia (TWiiNS - I'm Still Alive): The best set of twins in this year's Eurovision. Good song too. Jedward who?

Spain (Lucía Pérez - Que Me Quiten Lo Bailao): I'm slowly starting to like this one but, yet again, I don't see it getting higher than tenth place come the scoring. Sorry Spain!

Sweden (Eric Saade - Popular): I LOVE THIS SONG! Not sure how the judges will take the gimmicks, however, and most people are saying he won't qualify, so I hope he proves his critics wrong!

Switzerland (Anna Rossinelli - In Love For A While): I preferred Il Pleut De L'Or from last year to be honest and I can't see the Swiss making it into the final again this year.

Turkey (Yüksek Sadakat - Live It Up): Yet another rock song from the Turks but they won't do as well as Manga last year. Sorry guys.

Ukraine (Mika Newton - Angel): URGH. The less said about this crap, the better (they should have sent Jelena). I can see them qualifying though - if their arse-licking neighbours and/or the Euro-jury have anything to do with it, they will...

United Kingdom (Blue - I Can): And, finally, the United Kingdom. I can't vote for my own country (the United Kingdom is my homeland) but I hope we don't come last yet again! GOOD LUCK, BOYS, YOU CAN DO IT!

AND THAT'S THE WRAP! Hopefully, the right acts will get through the semis, so I can enjoy the final with my Scandinavian sidekicks (we're all going to be in Düsseldorf and I can't WAIT)! DON'T LET ME DOWN, EUROPE, I'M COUNTING ON YOU!

The countdown to the final starts now...

EURO REVIEW: PART 1.

I'm going to do this in two parts, since I figured all 43 songs in one entry would be a bit much, so here's part one from Albania to Ireland. Enjoy.

Albania (Aurela Gaçe - Feel The Passion): Didn't like the original (sung in Albanian) and the English version isn't much better. It'll probably qualify though.

Armenia (Emmy - Boom Boom): Potential qualifier. Not a winner though.

Austria (Nadine Beiler - The Secret Is Love): Love the song and it'll probably qualify but, again, it's not a winner.

Azerbaijan (Ell & Nikki - Running Scared): I love the song and it's a potential winner. If they sing well and get to the final, they might finish in the top five again like last year.

Belarus (Anastasia Vinnikova - I Love Belarus): I hate this one but it's still much better than some of the other shit we've got. It'll probably qualify but it's not a winner.

Belgium (Witloof Bay - With Love Baby): Hate the vocal arrangement, it won't qualify and it's definitely not a winner. If it does make it through the semis, however, I'll be VERY surprised!

Bosnia-Herzegovina (Dino Merlin - Love In Rewind): I'm still not sure if I like this one or not. It's not the worst song I've heard though.

Bulgaria (Poli Genova - Na Inat): I like this one but it's not a winner for me.

Croatia (Daria Kinzer - Celebrate): Nice, little upbeat disco-type song. I like it but, like with many others before it, it's not a winner.

Cyprus (Christos Mylordou - San Aggelos S'agapisa): Not sure if I like this one or not. That is all.

Denmark (A Friend In London - New Tomorrow): One of my top five songs, even though it wasn't my favourite to start with. Not entirely sure if it'll win or not, however. There's far too much competition at the top.

Estonia (Getter Jaani - Rockefeller Street): Another one of my favourites but, again, I'm not sure it'll win overall. It's a nice little number though.

Finland (Paradise Oskar - Da Da Dam): This one's a grower but I'm not entirely sure it'll even make it out of the semis to be honest. They probably should have sent Tommi Soidinmäki to stand any chance of qualifying.

France (Amaury Vasilli - Sognu): I love this one and it's one of the best entries the French have sent in AGES! I'm still not sure how it'll fare, however, since it's a classical number and many have tried this before and flopped big time. Hope it does well though.

FYR Macedonia (Vlatko Ilievski - Rusinka): Sorry, but this is SHIT! NEXT!

Georgia (Eldrine - One More Day): I actually rather like Georgia's entry but I can't see them making it out of semis this year.

Germany (Lena - Taken By A Stranger): Another one of my top ten songs this year. Can't see her winning again though.

Greece (Loukas Giorkas feat. Stereo Mike - Watch My Dance): Anyone know the Greek for 'get off the stage - you're crap!'? We want more OPA from the Greeks next year please!

Holland/The Netherlands (3JS - Never Alone): MY FAVOURITE SONG OF THE YEAR! Amsterdam 2012 next year perhaps? They need to get out of the semis for the first time in seven years however, so I hope they do! *fingers crossed*

Hungary (Kati Wolf - What About My Dreams?): This is another one of my favourites. I still prefer Zoli Ádok but Kati Wolf is the new schlager icon of this year! LOVE IT! Will they be 'Hungary' for success (excuse the blatant pun)? Only time will tell...

Iceland (Sjónni's Friends - Coming Home): I wasn't keen on the Icelandic version and I'm not sure about the English version either! They're good but they're not THAT good! Can we have our Yohanna back please?

Ireland (Jedward - Lipstick): I just have one thing to say about the Irish entry - SHOITE! I thought Dustin the Turkey was bad but these two muppets are even WORSE! Yes, Jedward, you ARE heading for a car crash, now kindly feck off!

That concludes Part 1. Part 2 coming soon.

NEARLY THERE!

We now know around 38 of the 43 songs for this year's Eurovision Song Contest so, as soon as I've heard them all, I'll do a review of them and let you know my favourites.

I don't have that many favourites though. Most of the songs are crap this year.