Saturday, 12 April 2014

Eurovision 2014 full review.

Well, unless you've been living in a cave for the last few months, you'll know that Europe's favourite TV show, the Eurovision Song Contest, is about to commence in a few weeks time. And this year, it's being held in Copenhagen after Denmark won it last year. There's also the small matter of yours truly going to the final this year as well, despite me not liking the majority of songs on offer this year.

So, without further ado, here's my review of this year's songs. I'm doing it all in one go this year, rather than in two parts, so forgive me if it's a bit long.


ALBANIA: Another year, another rubbish song from Albania. They'll probably make the final though.
ARMENIA: Well done, Armenia, for sending a much better song than the one you sent last year. Still no idea why your singer is apparently named after a music file, though...
AUSTRIA: This song sounds like a James Bond theme throwback but it's not too bad. It's better than most of the songs we've got this year, anyway.
AZERBAIJAN: I know you're known as the Land of Fire, Azerbaijan, but that doesn't give you an excuse to send a song about arson. Anyway, you should have been kicked out after last year’s cheating accusations, so you’re getting nothing from me. I’m out.
BELARUS: Cheesecake? A cake? Of CHEESE? Not in my lifetime...
BELGIUM: Oh, Belgium. Only a mother could love your singer and his voice. Not sure they'll like the song though. I can, however, see Belgium making the final with this. They're up against the Dutch again.
DENMARK: Oh, Denmark, what have you done?! I didn't like this song when I first heard it and I still don't but at least you've cleaned the lyrics up a little bit. Good thing you're already in the final this year.
ESTONIA: Sorry, Estonia, I preferred Sandra Nurmsalu's song and you overlooked her to send something that, most definitely, sounds a bit like Euphoria. Were you all on the vodka when you were choosing your artist or something?
FINLAND: Last year, the Finns sent a bridezilla with a lesbian kiss that pissed off most of Europe. This time, they have a band singing about wanting something better. What could possibly go wrong?
FRANCE: Who told the Frenchies that singing about moustaches was a good idea? Have they not seen Greece's entry from last year? Urgh!
FYR MACEDONIA: I wasn't keen on this song at first but it's grown on me. That's all I've got on that one...
GEORGIA: Have I somehow hopped into the DeLorean and gone back to the 1970's? It certainly seems like it and I will most probably be taking a toilet break at this point. Thanks for creeping me out, Georgia. Again. See you in the semis.
GERMANY: I quite like this one for some weird reason though I can't see it getting many points in the final to be fair.
GREECE: One song that would work in a club is this one from the Greeks. It's not a shit song about free booze either. Nice one, Greece. Not sure you'll want to win though. You can't afford bugger all at the moment. (And, no, I don't know how many rooms it has...)
HUNGARY: After sending a hipster last year, which didn't really work, the Hungarians have gone back to the dance song option. And, blimey, it's a good song as well! PS: Please leave the teddy bear back in Budapest, AndrĂ¡s. We're still not entirely sure why you had one in the first place.
ICELAND: I thought I could rely on the Icelandics to send nice songs every year but, clearly, they've broken that rule and let me down this year. Where’s their answer to Thor from last year when you need him?
IRELAND: Another decent song from the Irish who will be rather hoping they don't win the wooden spoon this year. They were robbed blind last year!
ISRAEL: WOW! Israel have sent a foot-stomper of a song this year and I actually quite like it!
ITALY: And, on the subject of decent songs, here's another from the Italians! They do rock after all! Bravo!
LATVIA: Belarus have sent a cheesecake and now Latvia have sent a cake. It’s the Great Eurovision Bake-Off!
LITHUANIA: Crikey, Lithuania, quieten down a little bit will you?! You're hurting my ears!
MALTA: The good ol' people from Europe's tiny island have clearly gone for the folk option again this year. Well, it worked for them last year, so they’re trying it again. The song’s a grower as well. Can they make the top ten again this year? Well, they're singing first in their semi final, so I'm hoping they do. We need Malta back in the final!
MOLDOVA: Anyone have any idea what she's singing about? No, me neither.
MONTENEGRO: Ooh, I like this! It's better than previous entries they've sent in the past and I hope they do well with this.
NORWAY: Sorry, Norway, but this is as dull as dishwater. Yawn!
POLAND: First it was Austria, then Latvia, now Poland have sent a crap rap song. Have they learned nothing? Was there any point in them coming back? They’ll probably get the booby prize here. (See what I did there?)
PORTUGAL: I'm still middle of the road with this one. At least they haven't sent a crap demonstration camp to Eurovision, so that's a bonus I suppose.
ROMANIA: Paula and Ovi are back with another foot-stomper but, like with many who have tried coming back for a second go on the Eurovision stage, I have a feeling they'll flop. I hope I'm wrong though.
RUSSIA: The Russians are in deep doo-doo with the rest of the world at the moment, having banned gay propaganda and regaining Crimea back from the Ukrainians, so I really can’t see them getting many points this time round. Not that the song’s much good anyway, mind you...
SAN MARINO: Have San Marino got nobody else to sing for them? Have they not thought to ask the Italians if they can borrow a singer/band for Eurovision? Not even the evil Irish twins came back three years in a row! Still, it's a nice song and Valentina's not singing about social networks, so I can forgive them. Just.
SLOVENIA: I've always been partial to a good piece of music or songs that contain flutes and this one is no exception. Slovenia, you've done me proud!
SPAIN: Yes, people of the United Kingdom, that IS Ruth Lorenzo, who last appeared on our TV screens singing on our version of The X Factor. I'm probably in the minority that likes this song as well. Good luck Spain!
SWEDEN: IT'S SANNA! And she's saved Europe's sanity with this song and it's one of the favourites too. Could Eurovision really be going back to Sweden two years after they last won? Only time will tell....
SWITZERLAND: I'm not keen on this one from the Swiss. They had a nice little ditty last year but I'm not entirely sure about the one they've sent this time round. Sorry.
THE NETHERLANDS: After last year’s success at reaching the final for the first time in eight years, the Dutch have sent a nice little country song sung by Holland’s answers to Taylor Swift and Keith Urban. It’s a nice song too and hopefully we’ll see them in the final again.
UKRAINE: You know I said 'nil points' for Russia and Azerbaijan? Ditto that for Ukraine.
UNITED KINGDOM: Nice to see we've been brought back into the 21st Century at last! After failing badly with doddering old bats who can't hold a note in key whilst singing live, we've gone for someone young and fresh who can! And it's a brilliant song as well! London 2015 anyone?

And that's the wrap! The winner will be revealed on 10th May so stay tuned...