Eurovision 2012 review #2

Part two of my fantabulous Eurovision 2012 song review is here. Enjoy.

ITALY: Another decent dual-language song from the Italians and I'm sure they'll do well again this year.

LATVIA: This one focuses on Eurovision too much for my liking. Johnny Logan and Riga Airport get a mention too (the latter features in the video). Hmm...

LITHUANIA: This one is dull as hell! Sorry Lithuania!

MALTA: Nice to see Malta embracing their Eurovision roots again. Catchy song though I'm still not entirely sure why Mr. Calleja filmed part of the video in a hospital car park. How classy!

MOLDOVA: MUCH BETTER! My ears are still ringing from the shoutfest you gave us last year!

MONTENEGRO: WHAT... THE... FUCK...?! This is horrendous! Please leave us alone, Montenegro, and don't come back to Eurovision again! URGH! Where are Poland when you need them?!

NORWAY: Ooh, Eric Saade's back, this time in Norwegian form. I actually love the song too and I hope it qualifies. Can we leave the crap tuneless songs out of the final this time please? Thanks in advance.

PORTUGAL: FINALLY! A decent Portuguese Eurovision entry that doesn't involve their very own X Factor/Portugal's Got (No) Talent rejects! Sadly for Portugal, I guarantee that Eurovision won't be held in Lisbon any time soon...

ROMANIA: It's so nice to hear about four different languages in this song and it has a Latino feel to it as well. Guaranteed qualifier.

RUSSIA: I see the Russians have gone for the Grab-A-Granny option! This will probably qualify anyway... it IS Mother Russia, after all!

SAN MARINO: What in HELL is THIS?! Who, in the San Marino press office, said 'oh, I know, let's send a song about a social network' before having the song disqualified and just rewrote the lyrics instead of just sending another, much better song?! RIDICULOUS! See you in the semis!

SERBIA: I actually like this one and Serbia haven't let me down. Potential qualifier but I don't think it'll win overall though.

SLOVAKIA: Were Lordi unavailable? Still, at least metal/rock is back at Eurovision, so it's not all bad!

SLOVENIA: Another slowie (of sorts) from Slovenia but, as the song isn't that bad, I can forgive them for that.

SPAIN: FINALLY! Spain actually LISTEN to me for once and send a nice ballad (of sorts) to Baku - and it was my favourite from their national final! BRILLIANT! *books ticket to Madrid*

SWEDEN: OK, let's be honest here, Eurovision's going to Stockholm next year, isn't it?! This was one of my favourites from the start (apart from The Netherlands, of course) and I LOVE IT!

SWITZERLAND: I can't help but think this is a bit bland and the singers have the most appalling pronunciation of English I've ever heard, which bothers me somewhat. No final for them this year. Sorry.

TURKEY: I don't hate this song but I don't instantly like it either. It's still growing on me.

UKRAINE: Er no, Ukraine, I won't be your guest and I think you'd be better off sticking to the European Championships this year with Poland - that's about all you'll be good at!

UNITED KINGDOM: Surely Engelbert's a bit past his sell-by date?! Still, if he does better than the cocky Irish pillocks, I'll forgive whichever idiot decided to send him in the first place!

And that concludes it! But who will win? Find out on May 26th! Don't let me down, Europe, I'm counting on you sending The Netherlands into the final!

Eurovision 2012 review #1

My friends have all done this so I thought I'd give it a go. Here is my personal review of all 42 of this year's songs in the Eurovision Song Contest which, as you know, is being held in Baku due to Azerbaijan winning it last year. All opinions are my own so please respect that.

PS: Contains traces of naff Irish twins. Approach with caution.

ALBANIA: QUICK! Someone take that drowning cat out of the well! Oh no, wait, it's just Rona Nishliu screeching and wailing away! Sorry Albania but it's not for me.

AUSTRIA: Do the Austrians not want to win Eurovision any time soon? They've sent this tuneless shout-a-thon which, like Georgia and Moldova last year, will probably still qualify. PS: Well done for getting Trackshittaz past the Eurovision censors. And, no, I WON'T shake my booty!

AZERBAIJAN: As much as I congratulate the Azeris for building their new sports/concert arena in the space of just a few months, they won't be using it again for Eurovision next year. It's going somewhere else. Sorry.

BELARUS: Did someone lose the bit of paper saying that Lithuania tried to send a song featuring the words 'we are the winners' in the title a few years ago but flopped in the final? Still, at least the lead singer's good looking...

BELGIUM: Sorry, Belgium, but your song is a bit bland and boring. Good effort though.

BOSNIA-HERZEGOVINA: Nice to hear Bosnian for a change. Will be interesting to see if it makes the final or not.

BULGARIA: Crap techno? I think not. See you in the semis.

CROATIA: Can someone wake me up when this song's finished? Thanks.

CYPRUS: La-la-la-la LOVE THIS!

DENMARK: Congratulations, Denmark, you've sent your very own Anna Bergendahl. This song's better though so, unlike Miss Bergendahl, I hope it qualifies.

ESTONIA: This one's a bit dull and boring to be honest and, much like their ill-fated ferry, this one will probably sink like a stone. Sorry Estonia!

FINLAND: Well done for using a foreign language that isn't English (or even Finnish) in your song. Commiserations on everything else. See you in the semis.

FRANCE: Another decent song from the not-so-decent Frenchies. Can't see Eurovision being held in Paris next year, though. By the way, can I have the fit Calvin Klein-wearing men in the video please? OOF!

FYR MACEDONIA: NEXT!

GERMANY: Awesome song though I can't see Germany hosting Eurovision again any time soon.

GEORGIA: Thanks for creeping the hell out of me, Georgia. See you in the semis.

GREECE: I know the Greeks are getting their money from Germany but it seems they've bought this song from Lidl on a very low budget. I'll still put money on it qualifying though...

HOLLAND/THE NETHERLANDS: Did someone in Amsterdam/Rotterdam or wherever break a mirror seven years ago?! If there's any justice, my wonderful little Holland WILL reach the final this year! I'll forgive you for sending the shit (I'm looking at YOU Austria, Georgia, Ireland, Montenegro and San Marino) if you send Joan into the final! The Dutchies have had their seven years of bad luck, now it's time for their comeback!

HUNGARY: Their name may sound like a very small dancefloor but I still love the song. Not a winner though.

ICELAND: If this doesn't come anywhere near the final/top five, I will be greatly disappointed. I love this song, though I did prefer the Icelandic version before they decided to change it to English.

IRELAND: AAAAAAARRRRRGGGHHH! Never mind the waterline, I am close to SUICIDE listening to this! It was bad enough you sending them LAST year, Ireland! Do you not want to win again any time soon?! I had to put up with this pair of talentless twats in Düsseldorf and now you're sending them AGAIN?! Thank God I'm watching it at home this year - at least I can MUTE them! PS: One Direction called - they want their song back!
ISRAEL: Was Dana International not available again this year? Shame - she'd have probably been better than this lot!

Part two coming up...