Eurovision 2015 - my full review.

Well, unless you've been hiding under a rock for the last few months, you'll know that Europe's favourite TV show starts tomorrow (well, the semis do) so, here's a full review of this year's Eurovision Song Contest entries.

Oh, and apologies for being so late posting this but I've been a bit busy and totally forgot all about it! Oops!

ALBANIA: What is it with the Albanians sending questionable songs lately? It's not for me. I'm out.

ARMENIA: I like the idea of Armenia bringing all the continents together. Sadly for them, the song is crap. Sorry Armenia!

AUSTRIA: Rule of thumb - the country who won the previous year usually sends something unlikely to win it the following year. This one is no exception. Host nation Austria have a good song but they're not going to win it two years in a row. It's going somewhere else next year.

AUSTRALIA: Who told the Aussies they could invade our favourite TV show? Having said that, their début entry is actually a nice little ditty. PS: If you win, Australia, any chance of giving the hosting duties to us next year?

AZERBAIJAN: Elnur is back to have another go for Azerbaijan with a sort-of rock song. And, weirdly, I quite like this one. They're still getting no points from me, though.

BELARUS: The first of many dull duets this year but I do prefer this to their song about cheesecakes from last year. That's all I've got on that one.

BELGIUM: Another year, another snooze-fest from the Belgians. Loo break, anyone?

CYPRUS: Cyprus may be back this year but their song is yet another snooze-fest. Zzzz...

CZECH REPUBLIC: YAY! The Czechs are back but I can't help thinking there was no point in them coming back due to this song being a bit, well... dull. At least it's not a weird guy who thinks he's a superhero, though, so I'll let that one slide.

DENMARK: Most people seem to hate this song but, weirdly, I like it. It was one of my top three in an almost-dull Danish national final and, in the end, the Danes sent their answer to Busted to Vienna. Nice!

ESTONIA: Another song I love. And a potential winner as well. I still have no idea who's going to win on Saturday though. There's a lot of competition at the top.

FINLAND: What on EARTH have you done, Finland?! You usually send good songs to Eurovision and you dropped poor Siru out of the semi-finals for this?! THIS?! That's not music, that's noise! And LOUD noise at that! Even Lordi were quieter! Nil points!

FRANCE: Another questionable song from the Frenchies but at least it's better than last year's effort.

FYR MACEDONIA: Ooh, I like this! I loved Lisja Esenski as well and, what's more, the guy is quite good looking too! What's not to like?

GEORGIA: CRAP! And, not only is the song rubbish, Nina has about as much charisma as a brick. Next!

GERMANY: I'm not overly keen on this either but at least it's better than most of the songs on offer this year.

GREECE: Greece have let me down again somewhat this year. They sent an uptempo dance number to Copenhagen last year. This time, they've given us a ballad. Yawn!

HUNGARY: The last acapella song sent to Eurovision flopped and, whilst I quite like this song, I unfortunately can't see this one doing any better. Sorry Hungary!

ICELAND: WOW! Another one I've loved from the start is this song. Last year, Iceland sent a neon-coloured 'man band' to Eurovision with a naff song. This year, they've gone back to sending nice ballady-type songs again. And, what's more, Dame Hera of Björk is BACK - but, this time, she's a backing singer for María. Hopefully they'll shoot back up that board quicker than they can say 'Reykjavik'.

IRELAND: A young girl and a piano. What could go wrong here?

ISRAEL: This song didn't instantly click with me at first but, several listens later, I actually like it in a weird sort of way. They'll probably need all the help they can get to finally get back into the final again this year though. I thought they'd have done it last year but they were surprisingly robbed.

ITALY: This year, the Italians have gone all classical on us and, as we all know from past Eurovision entries, classical and opera songs tend not to do well on the big stage. However, this song is quite lovely and may break the trend of classical-crossover songs flopping at the first hurdle in the final. But we shall see.

LATVIA: This one isn't bad but it isn't good either and I can't see Latvia getting back into the final any time soon with this. Sorry.

LITHUANIA: Well, at least they've stopped shouting...

MALTA: The best of the two Warriors. Lovely song, lovely singer, lovely performance. One of my top five this year too and it has the potential to do well. Fingers crossed.

MOLDOVA: Questionable song, rubbish singer, accusations of cheating? Well, the guy IS Ukrainian, so it isn't really a surprise.

MONTENEGRO: My word, Montenegro are actually taking it seriously and have sent someone at least half-decent! They ARE learning after all!

NETHERLANDS: Last year, I was cheering like crazy in Copenhagen when my lovely little Netherlands managed to come second behind Conchita's storming win. This year, I'm hoping to do the same, albeit in my own home this time. Like Anouk and 3JS before her, Trijntje has been one of my favourite Dutch artists for as long as I can remember, and I'm hoping for a third successive ticket to the final for my Dutchies. There's a lot of stiff competition though but I'm confident she'll make it.

NORWAY: Blimey, Norway, what is it with another dull and boring ballad? At least it's not totally dull and boring so I can forgive you for this one. Just.

POLAND: After last year's pornographic atrocity, the Poles have gone for the ballad option. And it's actually not that bad. You're forgiven, Poland.

PORTUGAL: My word, Portugal have actually sent a decent song for once! Brilliant!

ROMANIA: Ooh, so Romania DO rock after all! Fabulous!

RUSSIA: Go home, Russia. You're drunk.

SAN MARINO: YAY! No Valentina! Instead, here we have another dull-and-boring ballad sung by two members of Junior Eurovision alumni singing about a chain of light. Yawnsville!

SERBIA: Serbia are back this time after taking a year-long break and have decided to ditch their traditional Serbian-language songs and send something in English instead. Unfortunately for them, the song is a wee bit... odd. Though not as odd as that thing Romania sent a couple of years back so I can probably let them off. Just.

SLOVENIA: Another year, another brilliant(ish!) song from the Slovenes. I have no idea what the large headphones are all about, though...

SPAIN: Another song I've liked since the first listen is this one from Spain. It's probably even better than Ruth's song from last year, which I also loved, and Spanish entries mostly tend to rock my socks off. Well, when they're not sung by a weird Rolf Harris look-a-like with a small guitar singing about bailas and chikis. I still have no idea what the hell they were doing, there...

SWEDEN: A bit like Sanna from last year, it's taken Swedish fittie Måns several attempts to win Melodifestivalen, and he FINALLY managed it with a performance and cute background that rocked everyone's socks off. Unfortunately for the Swedes, the little dwarves he had dancing with him will have to be changed due to a claim of plagiarism, which means they'll look slightly different on stage in Vienna. The song is brilliant too. Another win for Sweden, perchance? Only time will tell...

SWITZERLAND: I usually like the Swiss entries and this one is no exception. I've loved it from the start and it's still in my top 10.

UNITED KINGDOM: I may be from the UK myself but, since I can't vote for my own country, I'm not obliged to like the song. Over the years, we've sent entries that are a bit... questionable. So questionable, in fact, that we've won naff all and come nowhere close to winning. This year, however, I DO like our song. There are influences of Dutch singer Caro Emerald in there, and I love a bit of retro-sounding swing so I will be supporting Electro Velvet this year, though maybe not as much as I'm supporting Trijntje. I just hope we don't suffer the same fate as we did last time we sent a duet to Eurovision.

And that's the wrap! Join me on Twitter over the next week (I'm at @shawsterama) when I'll be reviewing the performances in the semis and the final. But who'll win overall? We'll find out on Saturday night...

Eurovision 2014 full review.

Well, unless you've been living in a cave for the last few months, you'll know that Europe's favourite TV show, the Eurovision Song Contest, is about to commence in a few weeks time. And this year, it's being held in Copenhagen after Denmark won it last year. There's also the small matter of yours truly going to the final this year as well, despite me not liking the majority of songs on offer this year.

So, without further ado, here's my review of this year's songs. I'm doing it all in one go this year, rather than in two parts, so forgive me if it's a bit long.

Enjoy.

ALBANIA: Another year, another rubbish song from Albania. They'll probably make the final though.

ARMENIA: Well done, Armenia, for sending a much better song than the one you sent last year. Still no idea why your singer is apparently named after a music file, though...

AUSTRIA: This song sounds like a James Bond theme throwback but it's not too bad. It's better than most of the songs we've got this year, anyway.

AZERBAIJAN: I know you're known as the Land of Fire, Azerbaijan, but that doesn't give you an excuse to send a song about arson. Anyway, you should have been kicked out after last year’s cheating accusations, so you’re getting nothing from me. I’m out.

BELARUS: Cheesecake? A cake? Of CHEESE? Not in my lifetime...

BELGIUM: Oh, Belgium. Only a mother could love your singer and his voice. Not sure they'll like the song though. I can, however, see Belgium making the final with this. They're up against the Dutch again.

DENMARK: Oh, Denmark, what have you done?! I didn't like this song when I first heard it and I still don't but at least you've cleaned the lyrics up a little bit. Good thing you're already in the final this year.

ESTONIA: Sorry, Estonia, I preferred Sandra Nurmsalu's song and you overlooked her to send something that, most definitely, sounds a bit like Euphoria. Were you all on the vodka when you were choosing your artist or something?

FINLAND: Last year, the Finns sent a bridezilla with a lesbian kiss that pissed off most of Europe. This time, they have a band singing about wanting something better. What could possibly go wrong?

FRANCE: Who told the Frenchies that singing about moustaches was a good idea? Have they not seen Greece's entry from last year? Urgh!

FYR MACEDONIA: I wasn't keen on this song at first but it's grown on me. That's all I've got on that one...

GEORGIA: Have I somehow hopped into the DeLorean and gone back to the 1970's? It certainly seems like it and I will most probably be taking a toilet break at this point. Thanks for creeping me out, Georgia. Again. See you in the semis.

GERMANY: I quite like this one for some weird reason though I can't see it getting many points in the final to be fair.

GREECE: One song that would work in a club is this one from the Greeks. It's not a shit song about free booze either. Nice one, Greece. Not sure you'll want to win though. You can't afford bugger all at the moment. (And, no, I don't know how many rooms it has...)

HUNGARY: After sending a hipster last year, which didn't really work, the Hungarians have gone back to the dance song option. And, blimey, it's a good song as well! PS: Please leave the teddy bear back in Budapest, András. We're still not entirely sure why you had one in the first place.

ICELAND: I thought I could rely on the Icelandics to send nice songs every year but, clearly, they've broken that rule and let me down this year. Where’s their answer to Thor from last year when you need him?

IRELAND: Another decent song from the Irish who will be rather hoping they don't win the wooden spoon this year. They were robbed blind last year!

ISRAEL: WOW! Israel have sent a foot-stomper of a song this year and I actually quite like it!

ITALY: And, on the subject of decent songs, here's another from the Italians! They do rock after all! Bravo!

LATVIA: Belarus have sent a cheesecake and now Latvia have sent a cake. It’s the Great Eurovision Bake-Off!

LITHUANIA: Crikey, Lithuania, quieten down a little bit will you?! You're hurting my ears!

MALTA: The good ol' people from Europe's tiny island have clearly gone for the folk option again this year. Well, it worked for them last year, so they’re trying it again. The song’s a grower as well. Can they make the top ten again this year? Well, they're singing first in their semi final, so I'm hoping they do. We need Malta back in the final!

MOLDOVA: Anyone have any idea what she's singing about? No, me neither.

MONTENEGRO: Ooh, I like this! It's better than previous entries they've sent in the past and I hope they do well with this.

NORWAY: Sorry, Norway, but this is as dull as dishwater. Yawn!

POLAND: First it was Austria, then Latvia, now Poland have sent a crap rap song. Have they learned nothing? Was there any point in them coming back? They’ll probably get the booby prize here. (See what I did there?)

PORTUGAL: I'm still middle of the road with this one. At least they haven't sent a crap demonstration camp to Eurovision, so that's a bonus I suppose.

ROMANIA: Paula and Ovi are back with another foot-stomper but, like with many who have tried coming back for a second go on the Eurovision stage, I have a feeling they'll flop. I hope I'm wrong though.

RUSSIA: The Russians are in deep doo-doo with the rest of the world at the moment, having banned gay propaganda and regaining Crimea back from the Ukrainians, so I really can’t see them getting many points this time round. Not that the song’s much good anyway, mind you...

SAN MARINO: Have San Marino got nobody else to sing for them? Have they not thought to ask the Italians if they can borrow a singer/band for Eurovision? Not even the evil Irish twins came back three years in a row! Still, it's a nice song and Valentina's not singing about social networks, so I can forgive them. Just.

SLOVENIA: I've always been partial to a good piece of music or songs that contain flutes and this one is no exception. Slovenia, you've done me proud!

SPAIN: Yes, people of the United Kingdom, that IS Ruth Lorenzo, who last appeared on our TV screens singing on our version of The X Factor. I'm probably in the minority that likes this song as well. Good luck Spain!

SWEDEN: IT'S SANNA! And she's saved Europe's sanity with this song and it's one of the favourites too. Could Eurovision really be going back to Sweden two years after they last won? Only time will tell....

SWITZERLAND: I'm not keen on this one from the Swiss. They had a nice little ditty last year but I'm not entirely sure about the one they've sent this time round. Sorry.

THE NETHERLANDS: After last year’s success at reaching the final for the first time in eight years, the Dutch have sent a nice little country song sung by Holland’s answers to Taylor Swift and Keith Urban. It’s a nice song too and hopefully we’ll see them in the final again.

UKRAINE: You know I said 'nil points' for Russia and Azerbaijan? Ditto that for Ukraine.

UNITED KINGDOM: Nice to see we've been brought back into the 21st Century at last! After failing badly with doddering old bats who can't hold a note in key whilst singing live, we've gone for someone young and fresh who can! And it's a brilliant song as well! London 2015 anyone?

And that's the wrap! The winner will be revealed on 10th May so stay tuned...

Beautiful things - June.

Oh my gosh, we're three days into July already! Oops!

I will do my best to give you a recap of what I got up to in June but I can't guarantee it'll be interesting or anything. Most of it was spent soaking up the sunshine and making the most of the hot weather we've finally been getting.

Anyway, June was the month to forget. Well, for the Rhinos, at least. Two more of our best players ended up on the already-long injury list and face a bit of a long lay-off and I'd say we've brought in a few academy players to make up for it but a) I haven't the foggiest who any of them are and b) we're struggling a little bit with some of the younger players being a bit inexperienced. We've won a few matches but we've lost a few more so it's going to be a while before we're back to our best I think.

Here's what else I got up to...

Shopping

It's fair to say it's getting a bit warmer. Unfortunately, I'm not planning on venturing on holiday any time soon but I have stocked up on my summer wardrobe and put all the wintry stuff away until later in the year when it'll get stupidly cold again.

All of the above items are available at Zara. The dresses are perfect for the summer and, as most people know, I don't mind looking like a prize satsuma in a bright orange top owing to my love of Holland's national football team. In fact, MOST of their national teams wear bright orange. They're not 'de oranje' for nothing you know!

Watching

Whilst everyone's been obsessing over the new series of Britain and Ireland's Next Top Model and this year's Wimbledon tournament, neither of which I'm the least bit interested in, I've been getting my music groove on and watching Glastonbury. What's better than camping out in a muddy field watching bands perform live music? Watching it in your own home, of course! Who needs wellies when you can wear decent shoes and dance around your room like a complete loon? I loved most of the acts that performed this year, although Mumford and Sons bore the life out me. Sorry.

Away from the music side of things, I've also been watching old stand-up DVD's again. Namely Adam Hills and Peter Kay. Both are absolutely hilarious and I can't stop watching them. I know most of their routines, from Peter's "IT'S SPITTIN'! EVERYBODY IN!" gag to Adam's "f**k you and f**k the lot o' yous!" and they never fail to make me laugh every time. I even watched The Last Leg back in May. I just love Adam Hills. He's the funniest Australian on the planet and, when he has his sign language interpreter, the routine just gets even funnier, especially this one about the Dutch, which just cracks me up every time.

Listening

Remember the cute Swedish guy with the glass box in Düsseldorf back in 2011? The one who got pipped to second place by Italy's comeback? Well, he's back! Yes, little Eric Saade (minus his glass box) is back with a bang and his new single is AMAZING! I've rewatched his Eurovision performance again, which I danced along to on the night, and his new single, Coming Home, is even better. How can you not like him? He's so sweet and even better looking in the flesh! (Oops... did I say that out loud?!)

Tweeting

Unfortunately, yours truly hasn't really done much tweeting lately. I've been slacking, though I did manage one or two post-Eurovision tweets. I'll post my highlights from June anyway...

• On Everton: "I actually like our new home kit. Shame about the shit badge." (@toffeeluce)
• "What do you call a man wearing six balaclavas and a pair of ear muffs? Anything you like - he can't hear you!" (@sevens1878)
• On Arsenal's manager: "Arsene Wenger looks like a stale baguette. Fact." (@sevens1878)
• On San Marino: "Valentina AGAIN in 2014?! I know they're only a tiny state but do San Marino not have anybody else they could send to Eurovision?" (@scouserach)
• On San Marino (again): "It's official: San Marino are sending Valentina to Denmark. Even Jedward didn't come back three times in a row!" (Me)
• On Eurovision: "Armin van Buuren for the Netherlands?! YES PLEASE! (Him or Within Temptation representing them at Eurovision would be AWESOME!)" (Me)
• On Carlos Tevez: "Tevez to Juve? No thanks." (@catastrophical)

And finally, my favourite tweet of June goes to...

Apparently there's a comedy night at Langtree park on Thursday. Don't really see the point as there's usually one at every home game!
— Cherry&White (@CherryWhiteZine) June 18, 2013

 And that's yer lot! Bye for now!

Beautiful things - May.

It's getting a bit warmer but it's been a bad month for both my teams. Everton are looking for a new manager and the Rhinos have been dumped out of the Challenge Cup and have an injury list as long as Brian McDermott's arm after several of our players picked up leg breaks and shoulder injuries.

Ouch.

Anyway, here's what I got up to in May...

Blogging

Most people took up a 'Blog Every Day In May' challenge but I didn't. I just blogged when I could but it was mainly about sports teams and the Eurovision Song Contest. That's about all.

Watching

Speaking of Eurovision, I watched both semi finals and the Grand Final itself. And what a week it was! The Netherlands got back into the final for the first time in nine years, Montenegro sent astronauts, Romania had a weird falsetto vampire (who, sadly, didn't get stabbed by the giant stakes that surrounded him), the United Kingdom came nowhere but somehow still beat the Germans and the Irish (who finished last), a smiley doctor finished eighth for Malta and a Danish royal won the whole thing, taking the contest back over the bridge next year, assuming it will be held in Copenhagen, though Herning's the current favourite to host it in 2014. Other host cities include Fredericia, Aalborg and Horsens, who want to host the contest in a decommissioned prison. Sorry, Horsens but, in the words of the dragons, I'm out.

Away from the telly (and, erm, Eurovision) side of things, I went to Rugby League's Magic Weekend at the Etihad Stadium in Manchester at the end of May. I was a bit reluctant to go at first because my husband and brother-in-law were involved in a car accident coming back from there earlier this year after Manchester City knocked Leeds United out of the cup but I went in the end and, even though Leeds Rhinos lost against Wigan Warriors whilst there was quite a class conga going on, I had to cheer when I saw that Bradford Bulls and St. Helens got stuffed. Again.

Listening

Most of May was spent listening to albums and other songs from this year's Eurovision artists, especially Emmelie de Forest (who won for Denmark) and Krista Siegfrids, the Finnish bridezilla. I've rewatched her Grand Final performance over and over again and her album is BRILLIANT. Here is her new single Amen. Enjoy.

Tweeting

Highlights from my personal Twitter feed in May include:

• "Serbia won the Barbara Dex award. Not really a surprise considering they came dressed as a real-life game of Candy Crush."
• "Razvan Rat, Razvan Rat, Razvan Rat and his claret and blue kit..."
• "Some people are so thick. It's Finland that have the lesbian kiss, not Greece. They just have men in kilts."
• "YEEEEE-HAAAA! FINALLY!"
• "Leeds Rhinos. Marching out of the cup together."
• "It's the end of an era. I feel like crying right now. Fare thee well, Moyes. Thank you for everything."

Highlights from others include:

• This. That's my childhood ruined.
• Tweets about Everton's new badge being rubbish. Thankfully, we've only got it for one season.
• "How many wasps has Dave Whelan been chewing?" (@sevens1878)
• "FAO Azerbaijan and Russia: you can debate all you like, the votes won't get recounted. Denmark won fair and square. Stop being sore losers." (@deneneogkun)

And, finally, my favourite tweets of the month go to...

If Azerbaijan gets kicked out of Eurovision, next year's Armenian entry will just be 3 minutes of uncontrollable laughing.
— Thank You Europe (@Thankyoueurope) May 21, 2013

Denmark won because it is one of few countries that can afford to host next year. Angela Merkel sighing in almighty relief. #eurovision
— Elizabeth Windsor (@Queen_UK) May 18, 2013

So, Europe likes the UK enough to sing their songs in our language, but not enough to give us some sodding points? #eurovision
— Prince Charles (@Charles_HRH) May 18, 2013

Time to follow her tomorrow.

The second semi-final of the Eurovision Song Contest took place last night and a number of horrors went through to tomorrow night's final. I wanted San Marino and Switzerland to join Norway and Malta but, instead, we got tuneless shouty shit from Greece and a couple of dirges from Armenia and Iceland.

URGH!

And we now have the running order for the final. France open the show, Spain go 5th, Malta go 9th, Germany go 11th, The Netherlands get the unlucky 13th position, the UK go 15th after the weird Romanian entry, Sweden go 16th, bookies and fans' favourite Denmark go 18th, Italy go 23rd, Norway go 24th and Ireland close the show.

Let's hope for a decent position for all of them and leave the tuneless dirges right at the bottom. We can all dream... right?!

Back where they belong!

I am literally still jumping for joy after last night! THE NETHERLANDS ARE BACK IN THE FINAL WHERE THEY BELONG! It's only nine years too bloody late!

Not one single tuneless shoutathon went through to the final last night but there's still Thursday night to go. Hopefully Anouk will shine in the final but she does have to sing in the first half so I'm hoping for a decent result. Other songs that I thoroughly enjoyed last night were the ones from Denmark and Ireland, both of whom are also in the final. They're both in the second half, though.

(Still no idea how Belgium got through. Roberto was off-key during his performance. My guess is all the Belgian votes went to The Netherlands... and vice versa. And Russia's song is still boring.)

Hopefully we'll see Norway and Malta joining them on Thursday. If it doesn't go to Amsterdam next year, can it go to Valletta instead? I'd like to see Malta win it one day. They've come close about four times but never won it.

Veel geluk, Anouk!

Thanks for the memories.

I'm truly gutted and feel like crying right now. David Moyes is leaving Everton at the end of the season, presumably to become the new manager of Manchester United, so we'll be on the hunt for a new manager. It's been a brilliant eleven years and it's now the end of an era.

So long, you ginger legend, and thanks for the memories. We'll miss you. 

PS: I just hope the likes of Mark Hughes and Neil Lennon don't come to Goodison Park. I can't stand either of them.

Beautiful things - April.

Well, it's definitely getting a bit warmer, isn't it? April was a brilliant month. My Rhinos boys have done well in the league and Challenge Cup, Steve Ganson quit refereeing (thank God), Queen Beatrix abdicated in The Netherlands and Margaret Thatcher finally shuffled off her mortal coil. That, and we're FINALLY getting a bit of sunshine after a stupidly long winter.

Anyway, here's what I got up to in April. Enjoy.

Planning

Every year, my family and I hold a Eurovision party and have a get-together with a few friends. (I didn't do this in 2011 as I was in Düsseldorf but my family still held a party anyway.) This year, it'll be no exception. I have a flag banner, which I'll be putting up, and getting everyone to dress up in fancy costumes, all for the sake of entertainment, and I'll be dressed as a Dutch football supporter, complete with bright orange top. The planning's going well so far and I'm also planning on making buns with the flags of European countries on, plus the usual food from different countries (pizza from Italy, cheeseboards from Scandinavia, garlicky things from France... that sort of thing). I wish I was going to Malmö but I'll still enjoy holding the party and having everyone looking a bit daft. As you do...

Listening

My love for Danish band A Friend In London has been well and truly rekindled and I spent most of April listening to their album and crying that two members of the band have decided to leave for personal reasons. And I've rewatched their performance from Eurovision 2011 over and over again several times. They were absolutely brilliant back then - well, they didn't come fifth for nothing.

Tweeting

Highlights from April included the following:

• My friend singing Denmark's Eurovision entry Only Teardrops and someone thinking she'd been singing about pissflaps. (Don't ask.)
• The same friend finally managing to make me into a Lego figure, complete with red hair and orange outfit. Initially, it was blue and white, as I'm an Evertonian (see the Lego figure at the side of my one), but she changed it to match my Dutch obsession.
• Fernando Torres looking a tit in his stupid Zorro mask.
• France finally legalising gay marriage. About time.
• My Danish friend having an argument with a wall and breaking his wrist. Idiot.
• Danny Cipriani having an argument with a bus whilst on a night out in Leeds and spending the night at the LGI. Muppet.
• Saints getting stuffed by Hull KR. Marvellous.

(Yes, we're still crazy-arse-bonkers, but we don't care.)

PS: My Twitter feed is now unlocked. I always unlock it during Eurovision week but it will be locked again at the end of the month. That is all. (And yes, that is a Eurovision-related background. What of it?)

And finally, my favourite tweets of the moment go to...

Tiger Woods may get disqualified for an illegal drop shot. It is not the first time that he has been in trouble for misplacing his balls.
— Anthony and Owen (@mcneilmortensen) April 13, 2013

RT @deneneogkun: I know Tranmere love being on a budget but having us sponsored by Home Bargains until 2016 is taking the piss a little bit!
— Rachael (@aggerista) April 15, 2013

Text from Prince Charles: "So nice to see a Queen abdicating to give her son a chance". Forget it kiddo. #Beatrix
— Elizabeth Windsor (@Queen_UK) April 30, 2013

Ciao for now!

Ding dong the witch is dead!

Thatcher's finally copped it! REJOICE!

(Say what you like about her but I personally couldn't stand the woman. She made people's lives hell. Now she can rot there.)

Beautiful things.

Cleverly entitled Beautiful Things and in a move away from the Eurovision side of things, I've decided to make my blog a bit more personal which will hopefully let you see a bit more about my life in general. It really doesn't sound all that interesting but here are some lovely things I've been enjoying recently.

Shopping

I think you'll agree with me when I say that March has been stupidly cold. We got hit by major snowdrifts and couldn't move most of the time but I managed to get out when I could and I know it seems silly buying summery clothes when I can't even wear them yet but I've been dreaming about getting away to sunnier climes and I couldn't help it.

You can find all of the above at H&M. I can't even wear the sunglasses until the summer and I love stupidly oversized t-shirts and jackets so the credit card came out for both of them.

Watching

After the death of much-loved actor Richard Griffiths recently, I have been mostly watching my box-set of Harry Potter again. I have all eight films on DVD and they're always available for me to watch whenever I feel like it. I miss my bad boy Draco Malfoy (I always was a Slytherin girl) but I can always dig them out and watch them over and over again. I can just hear myself shouting at the telly when Neville Longbottom kills that snake at the end but, then, even I know He Who Must Not Be Named was an evil one. I still want to go to the Harry Potter World thing at some point. Being something of a Potterhead, it might be a fun experience and something I'd probably enjoy making a day out of.



Reading

Considering I don't really have time to do much reading these days, I've been loving these two sports-related books recently. I got them both for Christmas last year (thanks mum and dad) and, as I support both Leeds Rhinos and Everton, they're absolutely brilliant and I can't put them down. I'm not letting my brother anywhere near them (I won't see them again) and my sister won't touch either of them anyway (she's a Castleford Tigers and Manchester City supporter), so that's OK. More Keith Senior (he's got no hair and we love him) and Everton for me, then!

Listening

Unless you've been hiding under a rock recently, you'll know that next month sees the return of Europe's favourite TV show, the Eurovision Song Contest. This year, the Netherlands are represented by the lovely Anouk and her Lana Del Rey-inspired song Birds and I really hope they get into the final for the first time since 2003. Then again, if a multi award-winning and well-known Dutch singer can't get into the final for them, who can? (Oh, and good luck to our Bonnie, who is representing the UK.)

Obsessing

Speaking of Eurovision, I've been loving the butterflies (see above) and these little icons made by the wonderful Ben Morris. I'm using his wonderful little Anouk icon on my Twitter, Facebook and Last.fm. They're simply amazing.

Top (L-R): Margaret Berger - Norway, Gianluca Bezzina - Malta, Cascada - Germany, Bonnie Tyler - UK.

Bottom: Takasa/Heilsarmee - Switzerland.

Tweeting

Recent highlights from my Twitter include the retweet from a Prince Charles parody account about Justin Bieber not coming back to the UK ever again, stuff about my various sports teams, a couple of tweets about Greece and Armenia's Eurovision songs being shite and one about (now ex) Newcastle United player Nile Ranger getting arrested for the umpteenth time. Then there was the lame joke about the Grand National I posted the other day. Further proof, if needed, that I'm crazy-arse-bonkers.

And finally, my favourite tweet of the moment goes to...

The Stoke mongs are plummeting rapidly. Long may it continue. A. xx
— Anthony and Owen (@mcneilmortensen) April 6, 2013

BYE-EE!

Eurovision 2013 review - PART TWO.

Part two of my wonderfully-brilliant Eurovision review.

Enjoy.

ISRAEL: Oh, I like this. They haven't made the final for the last two years and Germany still won't get any points from them (as usual) but they should have no problem qualifying with this.

ITALY: OH HELLO MARCO! Italy have gone for the all-Italian option this year, having gone for dual-language for the last two years and, whilst I don't understand a word of Italian, I still think they have another decent song. Not sure if it's good enough to reach the top five this year though.

LATVIA: Oh, Latvia, have you learned NOTHING from Austria last year?! See you in the semis... again!

LITHUANIA: FINALLY! Lithuania have a song that ISN'T as dull as dishwater and Andrius isn't bad looking either!

MALTA: Another one I've liked from the start. There's no foot shuffling this year but the little doctor hasn't let me down yet and I'm sure he'll do well. Will he be good enough to reach the final though? Only time will tell...

MOLDOVA: Moldova have gone for the Romanian option this year. Not sure about the song either. It may grow on me.

MONTENEGRO: Well, at least it's better than last year's effort. That's all I've got on that one.

NORWAY: You can always rely on the Norwegians to deliver a decent song - and this one's no exception. It's very electro and very uptempo and I love it. Hoping it fares a little better than Tooji's effort last year though. He was robbed by some of the more rubbish songs and I felt so sorry for him!

ROMANIA: This one is just plain odd. Sorry Romania!

RUSSIA: Hey, Russia, Hear'Say called. They want their song back.

SAN MARINO: MUCH BETTER! You're forgiven, Valentina!

SERBIA: Congratulations, Serbia, you've clearly sent the sluttiest song of this year's contest.

SLOVENIA: Slovenia have sent a song that ISN'T a ballad?! SHOCK HORROR! That said, it's a decent enough song and it may qualify but it won't win.

SPAIN: Another decent song from the Spaniards. Hope they don't tell them they can't win though. I know they're short of money but that's ridiculous!

SWEDEN: How do you fit the word You into one chorus? Just ask Robin Stjernberg! Another uptempo song from this year's host country and another one I LOVE! He was the first ever winner of Melodifestivalen's Andra Chansen too so I hope that's not a bad thing! Good luck Sweden!

SWITZERLAND: The bloody Salvation Army get everywhere - and now they've invaded Eurovision! Thankfully, they've had to change their name (they're now known as Takasa) and the song actually isn't too bad so I can forgive them!

UKRAINE: This song is a little better than last year's effort but not much. It may still qualify though.

UNITED KINGDOM: And finally, my country. At least Bonnie Tyler can still sing in tune so we may have a chance this year. Can we at least finish on the left-hand side of the board again please?

AND THAT'S THE WRAP! I'm counting on Europe to leave the shit out of the final (I'm looking at you, Greece) and give my Dutchies a chance! May the best song/artist win!

Eurovision 2013 review - PART ONE.

So, having listened to all of this year's Eurovision entries in full, I can now bring you my review of the songs. Most are good but some are rather naff - and there's no evil Irish twinniness this year.

Enjoy.

ALBANIA: This supposed 'rock song' is crap. Still, at least there's no warbling or chucking cats down a well, so that's a bonus I suppose.

ARMENIA: Armenia weren't in last year's contest due to it being in Azerbaijan, who they've been at war with for centuries, but with this song it seems like there was no point in them coming back this year. The song is a wee bit naff for my liking. Sorry Armenia!

AUSTRIA: Much better, Austria! Last year's song was rubbish but this one is much better and I love it! I still don't think Vienna will be hosting next year's contest, though.

AZERBAIJAN: OH HELLO FARID! Nice song and nice on the eye as well! OOF!

BELARUS: Another year, another change of song. I liked Rhythm Of Love but I'm still middle-of-the-road on Saloyah. Not sure if I like it or hate it. It might still grow on me before May, however...

BELGIUM: Whilst Roberto is nice on the eye, this song is a bit bland and it'll probably go nowhere in the semis. Sorry Belgium!

BULGARIA: Another country who changed their song. It's also a bit rubbish. See you in the semis.

CROATIA: Did someone lose the memo that classical crossover doesn't usually work at Eurovision? Slovenia tried it in 2007 and flopped. Sweden tried it in 2009 and flopped. France tried it in 2011 and guess what? They flopped. Good luck, Croatia. You're going to need it.

CYPRUS: Nice song but I still preferred last year's La La Love. Cyprus might struggle to qualify with this but we'll see.

DENMARK: This year's favourites, which isn't a bad thing because I love the song. It sounds very Gaelic with the tin whistle thing and Danish royal Emmelie may actually have a chance this year. Last time Sweden held Eurovision, Denmark won it, so maybe they'll win it again? Who knows? Copenhagen/Aarhus/Aalborg 2014, anyone? (What? Loreen was runaway favourite last year so it could happen!)

ESTONIA: Not as dull and boring as last year's song but it's still not far off. It won't sink like their ferry though so I can cope with this one.

FINLAND: Ooh, very uptempo! Love it!

FRANCE: I think I preferred last year's song with the fit French dancers and, yet again, we're not going to see Eurovision held in Paris any time soon.

FYR MACEDONIA: I liked Imperija before they went and changed it. Now, I'm not so keen. See you in the semis.

GERMANY: Cascada have always been a favourite of mine so when I found out they were representing Germany this year, I squealed! The song may sound a bit like Euphoria in places but I still love it and it may end up being a two-way battle between Germany and Denmark this year. Will it be in Copenhagen or Berlin/Düsseldorf next year? Only time will tell...

GEORGIA: FINALLY! Georgia actually have a song worth listening to that's not a tuneless shout-a-thon or crap rap! Love it!

GREECE: This is the worst song of the lot this year and the Greeks have definitely been buying songs from the Germans on a very low budget again. Have they deliberately sent a shit song in the hope they don't win? See you in the semis, Greece.

HOLLAND/THE NETHERLANDS: If popular singer Anouk doesn't make it into the final for the Dutchies, they're definitely doing something wrong! Her song Birds may sound a bit like a Lana Del Rey throwback but I still love it and I REALLY hope it qualifies otherwise I will give up all hope of my lovely Netherlands ever making it back into the final.

HUNGARY: ByeAlex? Yes, bye Alex. See you in the semis.

ICELAND: This is the first time we'll hear Icelandic sung at Eurovision since about 1997 but I'm still not overly convinced. It sounds like a lullaby but at least it's better than about 90% of the songs in this year's contest so I'll forgive them.

IRELAND: NO JEDWARD! HALLELUJAH! Ireland have a much better song but Ryan, who is actually from Northern Ireland, just needs to work on his live vocals if they want a chance of reaching the final again this year.

Part two coming right up...

FAO 'The Devotees of Azerbaijan':

I know you're mostly anti-gay but is there really any excuse to wipe an entire website after they've put in twelve years of hard work?!

Quite frankly, I'm disgusted. Baku has done well in sorting Eurovision out and, from what I'm reading, it's been friendly... and this is how you repay us, the fans of Europe's best TV show?! It's just not fair and I really hope the websites that have been hacked are back up and running soon, especially esctoday.com. They're my number one source of Eurovision news and, by hacking and wiping their entire site, you've managed to ruin all their hard work after doing this and it's just not fair!

I hope you're proud of yourselves!

Eurovision 2012 review #2

Part two of my fantabulous Eurovision 2012 song review is here. Enjoy.

ITALY: Another decent dual-language song from the Italians and I'm sure they'll do well again this year.

LATVIA: This one focuses on Eurovision too much for my liking. Johnny Logan and Riga Airport get a mention too (the latter features in the video). Hmm...

LITHUANIA: This one is dull as hell! Sorry Lithuania!

MALTA: Nice to see Malta embracing their Eurovision roots again. Catchy song though I'm still not entirely sure why Mr. Calleja filmed part of the video in a hospital car park. How classy!

MOLDOVA: MUCH BETTER! My ears are still ringing from the shoutfest you gave us last year!

MONTENEGRO: WHAT... THE... FUCK...?! This is horrendous! Please leave us alone, Montenegro, and don't come back to Eurovision again! URGH! Where are Poland when you need them?!

NORWAY: Ooh, Eric Saade's back, this time in Norwegian form. I actually love the song too and I hope it qualifies. Can we leave the crap tuneless songs out of the final this time please? Thanks in advance.

PORTUGAL: FINALLY! A decent Portuguese Eurovision entry that doesn't involve their very own X Factor/Portugal's Got (No) Talent rejects! Sadly for Portugal, I guarantee that Eurovision won't be held in Lisbon any time soon...

ROMANIA: It's so nice to hear about four different languages in this song and it has a Latino feel to it as well. Guaranteed qualifier.

RUSSIA: I see the Russians have gone for the Grab-A-Granny option! This will probably qualify anyway... it IS Mother Russia, after all!

SAN MARINO: What in HELL is THIS?! Who, in the San Marino press office, said 'oh, I know, let's send a song about a social network' before having the song disqualified and just rewrote the lyrics instead of just sending another, much better song?! RIDICULOUS! See you in the semis!

SERBIA: I actually like this one and Serbia haven't let me down. Potential qualifier but I don't think it'll win overall though.

SLOVAKIA: Were Lordi unavailable? Still, at least metal/rock is back at Eurovision, so it's not all bad!

SLOVENIA: Another slowie (of sorts) from Slovenia but, as the song isn't that bad, I can forgive them for that.

SPAIN: FINALLY! Spain actually LISTEN to me for once and send a nice ballad (of sorts) to Baku - and it was my favourite from their national final! BRILLIANT! *books ticket to Madrid*

SWEDEN: OK, let's be honest here, Eurovision's going to Stockholm next year, isn't it?! This was one of my favourites from the start (apart from The Netherlands, of course) and I LOVE IT!

SWITZERLAND: I can't help but think this is a bit bland and the singers have the most appalling pronunciation of English I've ever heard, which bothers me somewhat. No final for them this year. Sorry.

TURKEY: I don't hate this song but I don't instantly like it either. It's still growing on me.

UKRAINE: Er no, Ukraine, I won't be your guest and I think you'd be better off sticking to the European Championships this year with Poland - that's about all you'll be good at!

UNITED KINGDOM: Surely Engelbert's a bit past his sell-by date?! Still, if he does better than the cocky Irish pillocks, I'll forgive whichever idiot decided to send him in the first place!

And that concludes it! But who will win? Find out on May 26th! Don't let me down, Europe, I'm counting on you sending The Netherlands into the final!

Eurovision 2012 review #1

My friends have all done this so I thought I'd give it a go. Here is my personal review of all 42 of this year's songs in the Eurovision Song Contest which, as you know, is being held in Baku due to Azerbaijan winning it last year. All opinions are my own so please respect that.

PS: Contains traces of naff Irish twins. Approach with caution.

ALBANIA: QUICK! Someone take that drowning cat out of the well! Oh no, wait, it's just Rona Nishliu screeching and wailing away! Sorry Albania but it's not for me.

AUSTRIA: Do the Austrians not want to win Eurovision any time soon? They've sent this tuneless shout-a-thon which, like Georgia and Moldova last year, will probably still qualify. PS: Well done for getting Trackshittaz past the Eurovision censors. And, no, I WON'T shake my booty!

AZERBAIJAN: As much as I congratulate the Azeris for building their new sports/concert arena in the space of just a few months, they won't be using it again for Eurovision next year. It's going somewhere else. Sorry.

BELARUS: Did someone lose the bit of paper saying that Lithuania tried to send a song featuring the words 'we are the winners' in the title a few years ago but flopped in the final? Still, at least the lead singer's good looking...

BELGIUM: Sorry, Belgium, but your song is a bit bland and boring. Good effort though.

BOSNIA-HERZEGOVINA: Nice to hear Bosnian for a change. Will be interesting to see if it makes the final or not.

BULGARIA: Crap techno? I think not. See you in the semis.

CROATIA: Can someone wake me up when this song's finished? Thanks.

CYPRUS: La-la-la-la LOVE THIS!

DENMARK: Congratulations, Denmark, you've sent your very own Anna Bergendahl. This song's better though so, unlike Miss Bergendahl, I hope it qualifies.

ESTONIA: This one's a bit dull and boring to be honest and, much like their ill-fated ferry, this one will probably sink like a stone. Sorry Estonia!

FINLAND: Well done for using a foreign language that isn't English (or even Finnish) in your song. Commiserations on everything else. See you in the semis.

FRANCE: Another decent song from the not-so-decent Frenchies. Can't see Eurovision being held in Paris next year, though. By the way, can I have the fit Calvin Klein-wearing men in the video please? OOF!

FYR MACEDONIA: NEXT!

GERMANY: Awesome song though I can't see Germany hosting Eurovision again any time soon.

GEORGIA: Thanks for creeping the hell out of me, Georgia. See you in the semis.

GREECE: I know the Greeks are getting their money from Germany but it seems they've bought this song from Lidl on a very low budget. I'll still put money on it qualifying though...

HOLLAND/THE NETHERLANDS: Did someone in Amsterdam/Rotterdam or wherever break a mirror seven years ago?! If there's any justice, my wonderful little Holland WILL reach the final this year! I'll forgive you for sending the shit (I'm looking at YOU Austria, Georgia, Ireland, Montenegro and San Marino) if you send Joan into the final! The Dutchies have had their seven years of bad luck, now it's time for their comeback!

HUNGARY: Their name may sound like a very small dancefloor but I still love the song. Not a winner though.

ICELAND: If this doesn't come anywhere near the final/top five, I will be greatly disappointed. I love this song, though I did prefer the Icelandic version before they decided to change it to English.

IRELAND: AAAAAAARRRRRGGGHHH! Never mind the waterline, I am close to SUICIDE listening to this! It was bad enough you sending them LAST year, Ireland! Do you not want to win again any time soon?! I had to put up with this pair of talentless twats in Düsseldorf and now you're sending them AGAIN?! Thank God I'm watching it at home this year - at least I can MUTE them! PS: One Direction called - they want their song back!
ISRAEL: Was Dana International not available again this year? Shame - she'd have probably been better than this lot!

Part two coming up...

World Cup draw.

The World Cup preliminary draws take place tomorrow (for the qualifying part) and, because we're one of the big teams, we've been placed in Pot 1 along with the likes of Italy, England, Portugal, Germany and the winners of the last World Cup, Spain. Norway, Greece and Croatia are in there too, but I can't understand why - it's not like they're 'big teams' or anything.

Please be kind to us, FIFA! Don't let us draw against the Frenchies!

TONIGHT'S THE NIGHT!

So, the big moment is FINALLY upon us, and there are less than four hours to go until the final of the Eurovision Song Contest 2011! Hopefully the people of Europe will be nice to us this year - we have four talented and cute boys singing for us, so we're hoping it does us some justice, haha!

COME ON BLUE! BRING IT HOME TO THE UNITED KINGDOM!

Wilkommen in Deutschland!

I'M IN DÜSSELDORF, PEOPLE! I got here last night after spending a few hours in the lovely and glorious city of Amsterdam and, so far, I have to say I'm impressed!

I haven't seen the arena as yet, however, but I'll try to carry on posting videos/photos of the event as and when I (or my wonderful Scandinavian sidekicks in the shape of The Mortensen Boys) find them, so I'll keep you posted!

ROLL ON SATURDAY NIGHT - AND COME ON BLUE!

PS: VOTE FOR 3JS ON THURSDAY NIGHT, PEOPLE OF EUROPE! I want to see the Dutchies in the final for the first time in seven years, you hear?!

Say no more!

Oh, Dana! You might be a Eurovision legend but you definitely aren't a winner again this year - not with this song anyway!

WHAT THE...?!

I've just seen the official cover for the I Can single and I have to say, on first glance, I'm not happy with it!

For starters, they've nicked McFly's font, and the cover looks a wee bit camp but it probably still won't stop me buying it and supporting the boys at Eurovision!

COME ON, BOYS, YOU CAN DO IT!